I am so NOT used to taking care of someone else! Nancy's upset and, I usual I don't have a clue. I'm trying to use the humor, but it's hard to stay upbeat when everything I do or say gets a glare and a grunt. I'm not sure she's even watching Food Network but I don't want to say anything. I guess I could ask, but it's not that big a deal and I'm trying to pick my battles.

On a different note, I'm surprising myself by how I'm handling things. My inclination is to sulk or reply anger with anger, but I've beat down the urge. Okay, I'm not always happy about it (quite resentful sometimes, actually), but I bite my tongue and smile.

Also this weather is murder on my hip and back. I wanted to go to the Christmas party at Moore-Few, but I wasn't sure I could do it without my chair and that made me feel:
A) grumpier
B) depressed
C) guilty for letting down the patients and not spending time with Dad
The pain also brings along intrusive thoughts, and that's not good either. Thank God for the flow chart. As long as I can force myself to take a beat and visualize the chart, I can fight back the worst of the emotions and sensations.

Well, here we go a-journaling! I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just ramble on.

Last night Nancy got pissed that I forgot she had told me about Brett Farve and the inappropriate email he allegedly sent. I got pissed because it seemed like a VERY trivial thing to take me to task on.

On the positive side, I didn't blow up like I felt like doing. I "took a beat", decided first that losing my temper wouldn't improve the situation, then remembered that December is a crappy time for her (a whole month for an anniversary date!) and bit my tongue.

On the negative side, maybe she right -- perhaps I don't listen to her as closely as I should. Also, I should have have handled it differetly. Yes, I kept my temper, but I also shut myself down. I should have done something to aleviate the tension - maybe try to inject some humor into the situation. Appologizing would have been futile -- she's got enough appologies for several lifetimes.

How can I work on remember this is when I need to support HER the way she supported ME? I don't know how to keep that at the forefront of my thoughts. This journal is obviously one method -- writing about it makes me more aware of the situation. Also, instead of taking a book or crossword on my cigarette breaks, I could consider what's going on around me.

We're going stream-of-consciousness now:

One of the goals of the Cognative Therapy is to stop being so inwardly focused and more aware of those around me and THEIR problems -- especially Nancy. Either focusing on that instead of reading; or taking the laptop with me and writing about them will help me be more aware.

More to come soon!